Sorry minions, it's been awhile. For those who don't know, Dick Cheney shot me. It took a loooong time to recover. I have to type things in with a pencil lodged in my teeth now.

However, my desire to take over the world still BLAZES!!! In between oxycontin breaks, I promise I WILL come up with some new ideas.

DAMMIT!

Who keeps stealing my ideas?!?

Righteous indignation... or was that just gas?

Well, who knew that you could get COMPLETELY addicted to Jackie Collins novels? They're so deliciously... bad, and there are so many of them. I LOVE THEM. Anyway, I may have gotten off track with the whole "taking over the world" thing recently, but I'm back on it now!! I've concocted a brilliant scheme!!

I plan to use my superior mental abilities to influence both presidential candidates. By exerting my powers over them, I will subtly influence their messages so the world will think them buffoons!! Now, let me think... what to make them say.....hmmmm... AHA! I will make one of them appear to be on both sides of each and every issue! Who would vote for such an obvious sycophant and shill to public whimsy!! Now for the second candidate.... uhuh... perhaps... nono too complicated... ahhhhh, EUREKA! I will make them appear so dumb, so stupendously stupid, no-one will think them capable of spelling president, never mind being one! It CAN'T fail.

Just think, me, president of the USA, and de-facto most powerful person in the world. My minions will be countless. The pope will bow to me, maybe I'll use him as an ottoman. Lets see, Ill have to re-animate a cabinet: Vlad, Ivan, Adolph, Torquemada, Pol Pot, Joseph, and that cut-up Eichmann! Hmm, I guess Ill have to throw Osama a bone, Secretary of Education I think.

Oh! what fun we'll have! Now all I need are 70 virgins, two rolls of Reynolds Wrap (100ft length please), a Lego Millennium Falcon, and three large Banana slugs...

Curses, foiled again!

I should have known not to leave Teddy K. unsupervised... anywhere.

Besides, how was I to know it was illegal to chug methyl-ethyl-keytone in public!! And who'd have guessed he'd DO it! Sheesh what a tard! I think I heard his liver laughing at me as he stumbled away.

Well, I won't let that minor setback set me back. Taking into account the current socio-political climate, I should be able to stir up some fundamentalist rabble to do my bidding.

Now all I need is some rope, a three toed sloth, and four copies of Jackie Collins latest bestseller...

IN THE BEGINNING...

HAHA! They have foolishly allowed me access to the computer...Now, to take over the world!

Let's see, take over the world...take over the world... haha! Hmmm... How does one so fiendishly clever as myself best go about taking over the world....?!?

AHA! I have it! A plan so clever, so devious, so monstrously evil in it's conception that beings of lesser mind and punctuation would go MAD if they could percieve it, or even comprehend it! A plan so simple, and yet so desperatly brilliant and stupendously balefully wicked! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Now all I need is some peanut butter and three Eskimos...